Shake it up, Break it up, Tear it up
The Clever Fox and I are broken up. And it’s killing me. It hurts really badly, but I bury it from everyone. Even the Tin Man only has an inkling of how I feel, and the Dreamer has near no idea at all. I suffer in silence on this one, and I wonder how I can fix it. Perhaps I just can’t.
The only one who knows, really, ironically, is The… no.. I’m not naming him. But he knows. I hate that he’s become my closest friend in this, after everything he’s done to me. But he has. Irony of Ironies.
I want to yell and scream and be angry. I don’t find his reasons to be satisfactory, and I want to hate him for it. At the same time, i’m still in love and I want him to see his folly, to love me like I love him.
I don’t think he ever will, though.
The Dreamer… well, he’s another case of my love not being reciprocated. I spend every night with him, I talk to him all the time, I devote so much of my time to him it’s crazy. And the most I can get from him is that he likes me. His actions speak more strongly though… sort of. He refuses to partner me, but he built a world for us. Or rather… I guess, included me in his world, since it was in his brain already.
I’m fighting a really bad depression… trying really really really hard not to fall. I hope there’s someone to catch me when I do.
If it’s not one thing…
It’s definitely another.
The beasties have been sick, the SO has been laid up with a cast (still is).. and I have a UTI, an infected tooth, and my gall bladder’s been causing the normal trouble.
Can you imagine how pleasant it’s been in my house for awhile?
Monday is my surgery … I go in at 6, surgery at 8, out around noon. Talk about McSurgery! I’m hoping to figure out some way to get my kids to NOT maul me. This is key, as I’m fairly sure my innards are going to be paining me.
I’ve had some relationship issues (of course) lately…. the Clever Fox.. well he’s admitted that he really doesn’t have the courage to join me. It’s hurt my heart a lot, and against my will I find my feelings towards him sort of cooling. I still care for him, of course… but with the knowledge that he isn’t willing to come to be with me… I don’t hold it against him, I just don’t know if that’s waht I want. I’m not happy with a forever long distance. I’m not happy living for weekends and trying to eke out some time with him then since I can’t have him on the week days. So we’ll see how long it lasts.
Then there’s the Dreamer. I love him. I know know know…. ok, I choose to believe, that he loves me back. His actions say he does, but he refuses to say anything like that. He says until we get more money, that SL is the best we’ve got… and in sl he won’t partner me, and has issues with my more well known avi so that he doesn’t like accompanying her to places, so I don’t know how well we’ll go on, either. I probably should break up with him, let him find someone who he can openly love, who doesn’t make him feel crappy… but in this situation, I admit that I’m selfish and I want him to love me and to be with me. If he would commit… well, I think things would be better. I don’t think he realizes that when I’m with him a good portion of my depression is knowing that I’m just like this puppydog following him regardless of how he is for me. I know though, that I brought this on myself, so it’s not like I can complain about it. I refuse to ask him to partner me anymore– being turned down four times is quite enough. I do have some small semblence of pride. I think it says something though, that I’m willing to put aside a lot of the things for him, such as wanting a master, and other things.
COB… *sighs* His other.. well one of his others, enjoys rubbing him into my face. We’re close, very close, but… well. .. just no.
I wish I could make sense of my life… I feel like i just keep riding around and around in a dust storm, just taking whatever comes and trying not to let it smack me in the face.
