Swirling thoughts in my head…
The Pale Moon has dipped below the horizon, I no longer seek it out.
The Dreamer and I had a big issue about a week ago… he hurt my feelings very badly. In some simple reply to me he made clear his feelings. He showed me just where my place is with him, and how I can never actually redeem myself in his eyes. I’ll always be that girl who hurt him, who added to this whole idea that he’s a failure. To him I’m always putting him last, even though that’s the furthest thing from the truth. He doesn’t believe that I love him. He doesn’t realize that the main reason he’s not my one and only is because he wouldn’t ever solidify my trust. He would never take the full plunge for me, and that historically has made me shaky. I will love you completely and wholly… if I can feel like I can trust you with my soul. And back when all this happened, there was none of that. Now it’s too late, my damage to him is done. He won’t partner me. He doesn’t want to go places with me in my well known avatar. I’m sort of surprised he’s with me at all, with how low he thinks of me. I know he thinks I’m adorable sometimes, I have my moments. But for the rest of the time? Not sure. He’s admitted that he cares about me. More than that, as much as I’d want to hear it, as much as I want so badly to hear him tell me he loves me… he never will.
The Tin Man… well that one’s complicated. The Harbor Lady is overnicing me and there’s nothing I can do about it. She answers my tweets, my plurks, she’s always around, and she always seems to do her best to emphasise her connection with the Tin Man. I’m about ready to leave because of it. If I just decided quietly to never play with him again, i doubt he’d notice. He’s got no time for me, he’s got his own life to live, he is really better off without me, especially if he’s already got someone to play love with. And he’s got a few, so I’m fairly redundant.
The Clever Fox is doing well. I find so long as I just do my own thing and check in occasionally it’s not bothering me so badly when he ignorse me. Having a good book or work or something (anything) to do while he follows his obsession is a good thing. I know he loves me, he’s just sometimes bad at directing it. He’s very… aloof. I’ve learned that his aloofness doesn’t equal non-love, but it is still somewhat difficult sometimes. I can’t say I help, I know I’m very exhuberant in my displays of affection, which I think might help balance us out just a little bit. There are times when I think it might be best to free him from the weight that is me.
I know I’m a burden to those I love, but that doesn’t stop me from loving them as much as I possibly can. I wish that loving me were more of a pleasure, less of a chore. I try to be a pleasure to my loved ones, but I do fear that really I’m more of a drag on them than anything else. I wish I could give them the happiness that they give me.
Food for Thought
I had an interesting chat with the tin man tonight… I think I’m going to be able to do without any jealousy… or less, at any rate. I do understand him… and amazingly, I do trust that he’s not going to leave or walk away. Above all, he’s my friend, and one of my best friends. And he’s not going anywhere. I think I’ll try harder with my friendships with those tied to him as well.
As the Pale Moon Clouds my eyes…
Last night was both exhausting and exhilerating.
At least if you’re a fool like i am. I spent the evening socializing with the Pale Moon and the Mad Scientessa. I was getting land in their community, so I spent a good portion of the night talking to them. And doing my best to pretend not to be completely struck by him. Which was very, VERY difficult. I have a feeling he knows how I feel, and is just amused by this silly kitten who has no place with him. And what’s worse, if he’s heard bad things from… well from anyone, really. Which is entirely possible, I’ve acquired quite the hideous reputation, unfortunately. I have to admit, that was the main flaw of the dreamer, he and his friend started the downfall of my reputation and it’s only gotten worse.
I’m really really really depressed by my money situation at the moment. i have no clue how to fix it. None at all. I just keep falling deeper and deeper.
I really do think about killing myself nowadays. I’m fairly miserable. I just want out. If it weren’t for two redeeming things.. I’d be gone by now.
