Does this count as suffering in silence?
I’m hopelessly depressed over something happening in a virtual place. The Flower Pusher, who has always hated me, now really hates me. First I wasn’t good enough for the Clever Fox, or she wanted him. Now it’s because I screwed up and showed her my secrets. Now she hates me because of that.
I admit, I’ve been a bit resentful of her… I see in her in the virtual world what I see in others in the real world. In the real world, in my office, in a place where people get parties and cards and money collections for going in for surgery or birthdays or change of shift… I went out, for many months, twice, with my children, and I didn’t get one get well card. I went fucking blind, I seizured, and nobody cared. That’s what the Flower Pusher is to me in the virtual world. I’m living my life, dealing with difficulties and whatever I’ve had to deal with… and I feel as though her and people like her are always put first. Or at least that I just don’t matter. How is it in two worlds I’m so fucking insignifigant? I used to write it off to my looks. But no, it can’t be that, because in the virtual world everyone’s beautiful. It just has to come down to it being me. People don’t give a shit. I got diagnosed with lupus, I get quieted on the channel because I don’t have it completely debilitating. But hell. I’m 33 years old, and I’m diagnosed with something– I get told that I have this disease that is known for great amounts of pain, loss of freedom, and organ failure, and it’s nothing. And yet, if I want to talk about it or try to wrap my head around it it’s immediately dismissed. I don’t have it bad enough yet, I guess, to warrant anyone actually caring. Hell… that seemed to even alienate the Flower Pusher further when I said that I had it, she was the one downplay me (and show up her) the most.
I feel really lonely. I don’t feel as though anyone understands me, and I’m tired of that. Is it just that I’m so greedy that I’m unsatisfied? What is wrong with me that I’m not happy with anything? Why am I unable to keep up a connection, or feel satisfied and understood and happy? There are people who understand me…. but they don’t want me. There are people who love me, and who I feel a connection to, but they don’t understand me. They don’t “get it,” as it were. Clever Fox loves me. I know this… I love him. He doesn’t get me. At all. I’m always under pressure to be nicer or trying to explain my submission, or just… trying to explain me. COB understands me. And he loves me. But he loves everyone. And he’s not in love with me. At least he’s open about it. One of his others likes flaunting it, it really bothers me. She’s most of the reason I try to keep my distance. I haven’t told him this, it wouldn’t change anything except to increase tension, so I see no need. Then there’s the twist in the story. The Pale Moon. Doesn’t know I exist. For some reason I feel this pull to him. He makes me want to submit, truly, in whatever way he’d ask me. I have no clue why I feel that way towards him, it’s really not a good idea. Not with who he hangs out with and his position in our communities. Yet I find myself looking for any way to talk to him. I couldn’t just outright go and speak to him, altough I wish I were that brave. I might have to just settle for being a kitten sitting outside his door.
Gah. Enough of my whining.
