Thoughtful Monday Morning
I have to admit, over the weekend I’ve come up with a lot to ponder. Because of my sieve-like memory though, I’ll probably only hit one or two items here.
Item One:
Yesterday I was in an Alternate Form… my amazon beauty, as I used to call her. Zero im’d me, and was quite cold. it confused me, him getting angry at seeing her, because he’s long since given me up. He gave me up before we broke up, really. So to get the cold treatment yesterday… it kind of hurt. But at the same time, knowing that I had gotten to him? That felt sort of good- like I wasn’t the only one who had suffered at all. I don’t delude myself that he suffered much, and I know it’s mostly his ego, but still.
I hate that my heart still has strings that belong to him. I hate admitting that. But it’s true… I still love him, and deeply. However, at least I keep the presence of mind to remember how unhealthy and all around bad for me he is. I know that down that path lies unhappiness and heartbreak- because he only really cares for himself. He hides it in pretty words and pretendings, but I can see the truth now. I compare him, in my head, to the movie the Phantom of the Opera… how, when Christine and the Phantom are travelling to his lair the first time, and it’s beautiful and lit up and magical… but then you see how awful it is later on, just a dirty wet cold sewer tunnel, nothing magical or beautiful at all. That’s Zero. Once you see his lies, his manipulations, you can see past the pretty words, the lip service he gives to the love games he plays. I almost feel sorry for him, that someone should be that sad and pathetic as to take advantage of so many women like that.
Item Two:
The Clockwork Ball on Saturday went very well! Coin Operated Boy’s action figures went over really well!! I really need to move the vendors from the library and put them into the boardwalk area. I’m very happy with how it went. Without pushing people, with just having fun, we made about 11k. Our team is in fifth place, which isn’t bad at all.
Item Three:
I was showing the Clever Fox the amazon beauty yesterday… well, specifically, her pony gear. I’m not sure how he feels about it, he gets a little dodgy on answering questions, but I know he’s comfortable with having her about, and more importantly, with having her as his own. I think because he knows me, and knows how I am… and he has faith in my love.
It’s kind of amazing, really… he doesn’t mind me being with others, or caring for others, so long as I love him and make time for him. Which is easy enough to do, when he’s around I’m with him. But he knows about the Dreamer, and he’s fine with it, and he’s known about anyone else I’ve been with as well… and so long as I’m happy, he’s content. He’s that secure and has that much faith in me. I feel guilty because I don’t know that I’m that secure, or that I have that much faith in him. I tend to worry and feel like he’s going to get smart and leave me just when I get comfortable. He laughs at that idea… but I’ve seen it happen far too many times.
Item Four:
The Clever Fox is going in to have surgery this week. I desperately want to be with him to take care of him. I hate being so far. I’m working hard not to panic or get all stifling, but I do worry for him, and I want so much to be there, to prove to him that I can take care of him, that he’s better with me than without me.
Item Five:
An odd one to put after all that, i’m sure, but I’m writing as they come. The Dreamer. I want to somehow take us to the next level, but he’s kind of put a stopper on us… we can’t go anywhere, we’re just frozen. With my nature that’s kind of stifling and worrisome. I’ve told him, to no avail, that I want more, but he says no. He doesn’t want that with me. I think he’s afraid I’ll be too clingy or something. He’s got me anyway… but.. oh I don’t know. It’s hard knowing I want and love someone so much more than they feel.
