Does this count as suffering in silence?
I’m hopelessly depressed over something happening in a virtual place. The Flower Pusher, who has always hated me, now really hates me. First I wasn’t good enough for the Clever Fox, or she wanted him. Now it’s because I screwed up and showed her my secrets. Now she hates me because of that.
I admit, I’ve been a bit resentful of her… I see in her in the virtual world what I see in others in the real world. In the real world, in my office, in a place where people get parties and cards and money collections for going in for surgery or birthdays or change of shift… I went out, for many months, twice, with my children, and I didn’t get one get well card. I went fucking blind, I seizured, and nobody cared. That’s what the Flower Pusher is to me in the virtual world. I’m living my life, dealing with difficulties and whatever I’ve had to deal with… and I feel as though her and people like her are always put first. Or at least that I just don’t matter. How is it in two worlds I’m so fucking insignifigant? I used to write it off to my looks. But no, it can’t be that, because in the virtual world everyone’s beautiful. It just has to come down to it being me. People don’t give a shit. I got diagnosed with lupus, I get quieted on the channel because I don’t have it completely debilitating. But hell. I’m 33 years old, and I’m diagnosed with something– I get told that I have this disease that is known for great amounts of pain, loss of freedom, and organ failure, and it’s nothing. And yet, if I want to talk about it or try to wrap my head around it it’s immediately dismissed. I don’t have it bad enough yet, I guess, to warrant anyone actually caring. Hell… that seemed to even alienate the Flower Pusher further when I said that I had it, she was the one downplay me (and show up her) the most.
I feel really lonely. I don’t feel as though anyone understands me, and I’m tired of that. Is it just that I’m so greedy that I’m unsatisfied? What is wrong with me that I’m not happy with anything? Why am I unable to keep up a connection, or feel satisfied and understood and happy? There are people who understand me…. but they don’t want me. There are people who love me, and who I feel a connection to, but they don’t understand me. They don’t “get it,” as it were. Clever Fox loves me. I know this… I love him. He doesn’t get me. At all. I’m always under pressure to be nicer or trying to explain my submission, or just… trying to explain me. COB understands me. And he loves me. But he loves everyone. And he’s not in love with me. At least he’s open about it. One of his others likes flaunting it, it really bothers me. She’s most of the reason I try to keep my distance. I haven’t told him this, it wouldn’t change anything except to increase tension, so I see no need. Then there’s the twist in the story. The Pale Moon. Doesn’t know I exist. For some reason I feel this pull to him. He makes me want to submit, truly, in whatever way he’d ask me. I have no clue why I feel that way towards him, it’s really not a good idea. Not with who he hangs out with and his position in our communities. Yet I find myself looking for any way to talk to him. I couldn’t just outright go and speak to him, altough I wish I were that brave. I might have to just settle for being a kitten sitting outside his door.
Gah. Enough of my whining.
Confused…
Not sure where to go. I don’t know how to fix my mistake, but it’s affecting more than just me. It’s affecting my work with charity, and it’s affecting the Clever Fox. His best friend hates me. She hated me before my mistake, but now she really does. And she’s postponed/cancelled the event that she promised to do for the charity, and for the Clever Fox and mine’s celebration today she didn’t show up. She made an excuse, but she was on the entire time, and she had a show that started immediately afterwards. She could’ve just shown up for a few minutes, but no. Singlehandedly she’s making me want to leave the community completely. Which I guess might be for the best, it’s not like they need me there. But damn.
Thoughtful Monday Morning
I have to admit, over the weekend I’ve come up with a lot to ponder. Because of my sieve-like memory though, I’ll probably only hit one or two items here.
Item One:
Yesterday I was in an Alternate Form… my amazon beauty, as I used to call her. Zero im’d me, and was quite cold. it confused me, him getting angry at seeing her, because he’s long since given me up. He gave me up before we broke up, really. So to get the cold treatment yesterday… it kind of hurt. But at the same time, knowing that I had gotten to him? That felt sort of good- like I wasn’t the only one who had suffered at all. I don’t delude myself that he suffered much, and I know it’s mostly his ego, but still.
I hate that my heart still has strings that belong to him. I hate admitting that. But it’s true… I still love him, and deeply. However, at least I keep the presence of mind to remember how unhealthy and all around bad for me he is. I know that down that path lies unhappiness and heartbreak- because he only really cares for himself. He hides it in pretty words and pretendings, but I can see the truth now. I compare him, in my head, to the movie the Phantom of the Opera… how, when Christine and the Phantom are travelling to his lair the first time, and it’s beautiful and lit up and magical… but then you see how awful it is later on, just a dirty wet cold sewer tunnel, nothing magical or beautiful at all. That’s Zero. Once you see his lies, his manipulations, you can see past the pretty words, the lip service he gives to the love games he plays. I almost feel sorry for him, that someone should be that sad and pathetic as to take advantage of so many women like that.
Item Two:
The Clockwork Ball on Saturday went very well! Coin Operated Boy’s action figures went over really well!! I really need to move the vendors from the library and put them into the boardwalk area. I’m very happy with how it went. Without pushing people, with just having fun, we made about 11k. Our team is in fifth place, which isn’t bad at all.
Item Three:
I was showing the Clever Fox the amazon beauty yesterday… well, specifically, her pony gear. I’m not sure how he feels about it, he gets a little dodgy on answering questions, but I know he’s comfortable with having her about, and more importantly, with having her as his own. I think because he knows me, and knows how I am… and he has faith in my love.
It’s kind of amazing, really… he doesn’t mind me being with others, or caring for others, so long as I love him and make time for him. Which is easy enough to do, when he’s around I’m with him. But he knows about the Dreamer, and he’s fine with it, and he’s known about anyone else I’ve been with as well… and so long as I’m happy, he’s content. He’s that secure and has that much faith in me. I feel guilty because I don’t know that I’m that secure, or that I have that much faith in him. I tend to worry and feel like he’s going to get smart and leave me just when I get comfortable. He laughs at that idea… but I’ve seen it happen far too many times.
Item Four:
The Clever Fox is going in to have surgery this week. I desperately want to be with him to take care of him. I hate being so far. I’m working hard not to panic or get all stifling, but I do worry for him, and I want so much to be there, to prove to him that I can take care of him, that he’s better with me than without me.
Item Five:
An odd one to put after all that, i’m sure, but I’m writing as they come. The Dreamer. I want to somehow take us to the next level, but he’s kind of put a stopper on us… we can’t go anywhere, we’re just frozen. With my nature that’s kind of stifling and worrisome. I’ve told him, to no avail, that I want more, but he says no. He doesn’t want that with me. I think he’s afraid I’ll be too clingy or something. He’s got me anyway… but.. oh I don’t know. It’s hard knowing I want and love someone so much more than they feel.
A kitten’s claws
Really… someone needs to declaw the kitten.
Or at least give her some patience.
Last night I was with the Dreamer, as usual, but I was sort of spilling my feelings out, not as usual. But every time I would say something, he would veer the conversation towards the pervy, focusing on media made from our shared pervtastic time. I told him what was in my heart, and he started telling me about how a certain rp character needed to do this or that for a new playtime. While I really like being with him like that, and I don’t have anything against it, I don’t like being reminded that I really am just a toy and that he doesn’t care and doesn’t feel the same. I live in a fantasy world where he does, and when it smacks me across the face that he doesn’t… it hurts.
But! For a plus- The Clever Fox sent me the 3rd and 4th books of the Twilight series– I’m done with the 3rd one. They just keep getting better. This is one series I’ll be very sad about ending, when it does. I was so grateful though- I thought I was going to have to wait until August for the paperback of the third one, so when it AND the fourth one appeared yesterday? I was over the moon ecstatic!
I’m looking forward to the end of the campaign, for when I can shrink my friendslist and get rid of all old luggage. As time goes on the more I want to truly part ways and cut ties with Zero, and the trailer park. I never thought I’d think the same about both, but it’s true… and I need to get away from my pain, I need to heal… and it doesn’t when Zero’s words show me just how inferior I am.
The COB is still trying… I’m torn on that one. Does he just want me for play? He never has time, but he’s trying to make time for me, I can’t deny that one. But he’s got a few women, and with so little time? Do I even want to try? Contrary to trailer park belief, I don’t just flit around with my emotions, and even having the one pushing it into my face is a bit much. I don’t know… we’ll see.
Not just a clever name
A Troubled Sonnet. Truer than could ever be imagined. Health problems, heart problems, head problems, peace and quiet and freedom from trouble is not something I know.
The walls around me are higher than ever, I feel like Rapunzel… and as the Clever Fox pointed out to me last night, I just cut my hair. An apt analogy, I\’m doubtful anyone could get to me anymore anyway. The Dreamer gets in sometimes, he finds a chink in the armor, some window here or there, but that feels like so much more the exception than the rule.
Part of this could just be the pain in my mouth talking. I don\’t feel good physically, so it\’s showing itself emotionally and mentally.
The thing with Zero… it shouldn\’t be hurting me still, it should *not* be affecting me at all. He\’s gone his way, I\’ve gone my way, and yet still, I ache for him. I hurt because from the looks of it I just wasn\’t good enough, no matter how hard I tried. I wasn\’t worth anything.. not respect, kindness, nothing. I wasn\’t even worth parting with to save trouble. And believe me, I know, I *know* deep in my heart of hearts that I shouldn\’t give a thought to this man, this so called man, who would sleep with every last one of my friends, lie to me and them constantly, and still have the gall to say he loves me. Yes… that\’s right, he still says he loves me. Screw that.
Trying not to cry…
But I really feel like I need to.
Scraping bottom of the barrel here. The big s-word doesn’t seem like such a bad thing right now.
The only way people tolerate me around is if I wear a mask, am someting different. I try, I really do… but… I’m just nothing. No.. I’m worse than nothing. I’m just crap, plain and simple.
the Clever Fox has done a terrible job of helping support me lately… I’m afraid to really talk about it to the Dreamer, he’ll just tell me I’m whining and being stupid…
maybe i should just disappear and take everyone out of my misery.
Musings
I’ve started writing again. Working on a story that is very old.. but it still feels good to be writing. Not that it’ll ever see the light of day.
I want more than ever to be away. Far far away… from everything.
The Dreamer made me feel so good the other night… he told me a story, our story… it was beautiful, and I had lovely dreams that night. I think his story kick started me into writing again, so I have him to thank for that.
Feeling depressed about the Clever Fox… I’m feeling more and more hopeless. We’re just not meeting on the same level as we were, and I hate it. I can’t even understand it. I hate it. I’m constantly upset or stressed or frustrated because of how we are, but I’m not willing to just let go. I already hurt too much from letting go.
Speaking of letting go.. Zero… well.. his words for his new one say everything about how he feels/felt about me. Nothing. His name is quite fitting. And for some reason it hurts my heart horribly. I keep trying to heal, but for some reason it’s just not coming. I want desperately to forget him… but I can’t. I feel as though he’s just one of these huge beacons of what’s really wrong with me. You know… like everything.
I just suck. I feel as though my worth is… well… is pretty nonexistent right now.
at an all time low
I feel like packing it in. Just… being done. Everyone questions my competency and my ability to do things. I find out now that the Clever Fox felt dragged into my accomplishments, the things I’m doing to try and make him proud, and he was cranky about it. I didn’t expect him to be pulled in against his will, and I tried to stress to him that I only wanted him to do what he wanted to anyway.
I feel like such a failure. I mean, really. I can’t build, can’t texture, can’t script, I’m crap with people. I mean, hell, I’m obviously crap with people, look at all the trouble I get.
Speaking of trouble, the COB is … well.. I know what I want and I feel like I’m back in the z relationship almost completely, during the elf fiasco. he and I are just friends, but it still hurts getting my nose rubbed in it.
I don’t know what to do, honestly.. I feel incompetent, worthless, hateful, unloved, unliked, just over all like I should curl up and hide for the next 80 years.
