Even God has the platypus…
…
So I guess I can’t expect him to get anywhere right on my life. I feel like my wheels are spinning, I’m doing so much and it’s like it doesn’t really matter, I’m always fucked.
I found out last week that I have lupus. However, in typical kitten fashion, I have it in such a way that it’s going to make things difficult for me without giving me any sort of excuse for why I struggle. Even right now, sitting hurts, because my hips ache. I can’t say anything about it, it’s not like anyone would bother about it. It’s a progressive disease, and I’m scared about it. But I feel like I’m not allowed to be scared about it, since my numbers are low right now.
The Clever Fox and I have been having some problems… nothing I say is every actually right. Which gets me on the defensive, so that he feels as if nothing he says is right. The thing is… I know he doesn’t like a big chunk of who I am.. i keep it hidden, I have to, he hates it, will never and would never approve of it. And I think I’m getting resentful of it, because it spills over other things a lot.
The Cartoonist… no.. I think I’ll call him The Dreamer. The Dreamer… well.. I’m a bit confused about him… the way he talks I know he cares… but he does his best to keep that distance at least sort of intact. Me? No such distance… I’m laid across his feet, ready for the taking. Of course… he disapproves of th same part of me as the Clever Fox does, so it’s not like I gain any understanding there.
Gah. I’m so freaking depressed I can’t even put words to it.
How pathetic- these two words, “I’m Lonely”
I feel so pathetic, so sad, so useless… Who out there really wants me, really cares for me? That’s easy to answer… nobody. The Clever fox is becoming more and more like the Mad Polygamist. And the Cartooner. And everyone else who’s ever been interested.
“I love you, but you’re making me crazy.”
God, how those words hurt. It’s still making me cry, and I first red them this morning, hours and hours ago. I was hoping that he was the one who would be able to take me, with all my intensity, my ups and downs… everything… but no. It doesn’t seem like he does. All of a sudden he’s becoming impatient with me, and insensitive, and sometimes even mean. I think he’s falling out of love with me. I don’t blame him. I’d not want to love me, if I were him.
He was really very mean today… he’s so concerned about everyone’s feelings but he seems like he doesn’t tend to hold back with me like he does everyone else. Which is good and bad. I have feelings too. And right now I’m hurting really badly, because of things he’s said.
All Mixed Up and No Place to Go
I wish I had words that would properly explain me… I don’t.. I feel like perhaps I’m one of the most misunderstood people on the face of the earth. Perhaps I was the only one stuff in the tower of Babel, and everyone else has this language that I just don’t.
I cried today, on the way to work. After reading the Clever Fox’s email, I cried. It felt horrible, seeing those words. And yes, I suppose I’m terrible. I hadn’t meant it any bad way though. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do… do I apologize, do I get mad? I haven’t got the slightest clue, not at this point. Then we had the Mad Polygamer trying to edge close again, and I know I can’t trust him at all, even if his presence is sort of like a warm blanket… I know him, I know his ways, and familiarity is at least comfortable, if not always pleasant.
My heart hurts… he said a phrase that felt like a spear through my heart… “i love you, but you’re making me crazy.” What is wrong with me, that I hear that?
It’s time to cocoon… I shouldn’t have let him in this far anyway, knowing how he wobbles and how far he is and all the difficulties.. it was folly to think it would be fairy tale and with a happy ending. Time to make him not crazy. I can make him happy… so long as I’m not myself.
