I think this is the only quiet place I have. I haven’t shown anyone anything here, so I don’t feel behooved to speak a certain way or to try to phrase things any differently than how it comes out of my head. It’s sort of a relief, honestly. I feel as though I spend most of my time trying to please others, to assuage, to soothe… sometimes I just want to be me. Sometimes my thoughts and feelings want to come out, unedited, unmodified… just Me.
Furball.. I love him. I’ve had a crush on him since forever, and haven’t even entertained the idea because I thought he was so much above me. Now that I’m with him it’s like a dream. He makes my heart sing, to use the completely cheesy vernacular. I wake up eager to talk to him, I go to bed at night when I do because well, he’s asleep and so I might as well.
There are a few issues… my libido, his meds…. but it’s not something that can’t be gotten over. And honestly I’d rather be with him, and without cyber, than without him, and with. I’m going crazy with need, lol, I’m a bit ashamed of how much I pounce on him and he’s just like, eh. But he’s effusive with the snuggles and quite open about how much he loves me, so I’m not worried that he’s just really not interested… it’s just side effects. Damn I hate his meds.
I was considering bringing up voicing to him… but I feel like such a slut wanting even to do it so he can hear me.. but I find that erotic too, letting him listen while I get off. If I bring it up to him though he’ll just say filthy, or naughty girl or something like that. Which is usually a good thing when he says it. even if I worry that he’s going to get tire of me pouncing on him, or worried of him getting bored of me, I love being able to, for the most part, be exactly who i am in front of him, without worrying about him judging.
I really do adore him. He’s wonderful, and so good for me. He makes me smile.
Heartbroken.
My heart hurts. I’ve realized that it’s not that I keep making mistakes in love, it’s that I’m just really not good enough for it. Of course nobody wants me, I’ve been horrifically stupid to think they would.
I’m going into my hole now. If someone could roll a rock over the entrance, that’d be kind.
Shake it up, Break it up, Tear it up
The Clever Fox and I are broken up. And it’s killing me. It hurts really badly, but I bury it from everyone. Even the Tin Man only has an inkling of how I feel, and the Dreamer has near no idea at all. I suffer in silence on this one, and I wonder how I can fix it. Perhaps I just can’t.
The only one who knows, really, ironically, is The… no.. I’m not naming him. But he knows. I hate that he’s become my closest friend in this, after everything he’s done to me. But he has. Irony of Ironies.
I want to yell and scream and be angry. I don’t find his reasons to be satisfactory, and I want to hate him for it. At the same time, i’m still in love and I want him to see his folly, to love me like I love him.
I don’t think he ever will, though.
The Dreamer… well, he’s another case of my love not being reciprocated. I spend every night with him, I talk to him all the time, I devote so much of my time to him it’s crazy. And the most I can get from him is that he likes me. His actions speak more strongly though… sort of. He refuses to partner me, but he built a world for us. Or rather… I guess, included me in his world, since it was in his brain already.
I’m fighting a really bad depression… trying really really really hard not to fall. I hope there’s someone to catch me when I do.
If it’s not one thing…
It’s definitely another.
The beasties have been sick, the SO has been laid up with a cast (still is).. and I have a UTI, an infected tooth, and my gall bladder’s been causing the normal trouble.
Can you imagine how pleasant it’s been in my house for awhile?
Monday is my surgery … I go in at 6, surgery at 8, out around noon. Talk about McSurgery! I’m hoping to figure out some way to get my kids to NOT maul me. This is key, as I’m fairly sure my innards are going to be paining me.
I’ve had some relationship issues (of course) lately…. the Clever Fox.. well he’s admitted that he really doesn’t have the courage to join me. It’s hurt my heart a lot, and against my will I find my feelings towards him sort of cooling. I still care for him, of course… but with the knowledge that he isn’t willing to come to be with me… I don’t hold it against him, I just don’t know if that’s waht I want. I’m not happy with a forever long distance. I’m not happy living for weekends and trying to eke out some time with him then since I can’t have him on the week days. So we’ll see how long it lasts.
Then there’s the Dreamer. I love him. I know know know…. ok, I choose to believe, that he loves me back. His actions say he does, but he refuses to say anything like that. He says until we get more money, that SL is the best we’ve got… and in sl he won’t partner me, and has issues with my more well known avi so that he doesn’t like accompanying her to places, so I don’t know how well we’ll go on, either. I probably should break up with him, let him find someone who he can openly love, who doesn’t make him feel crappy… but in this situation, I admit that I’m selfish and I want him to love me and to be with me. If he would commit… well, I think things would be better. I don’t think he realizes that when I’m with him a good portion of my depression is knowing that I’m just like this puppydog following him regardless of how he is for me. I know though, that I brought this on myself, so it’s not like I can complain about it. I refuse to ask him to partner me anymore– being turned down four times is quite enough. I do have some small semblence of pride. I think it says something though, that I’m willing to put aside a lot of the things for him, such as wanting a master, and other things.
COB… *sighs* His other.. well one of his others, enjoys rubbing him into my face. We’re close, very close, but… well. .. just no.
I wish I could make sense of my life… I feel like i just keep riding around and around in a dust storm, just taking whatever comes and trying not to let it smack me in the face.
Swirling thoughts in my head…
The Pale Moon has dipped below the horizon, I no longer seek it out.
The Dreamer and I had a big issue about a week ago… he hurt my feelings very badly. In some simple reply to me he made clear his feelings. He showed me just where my place is with him, and how I can never actually redeem myself in his eyes. I’ll always be that girl who hurt him, who added to this whole idea that he’s a failure. To him I’m always putting him last, even though that’s the furthest thing from the truth. He doesn’t believe that I love him. He doesn’t realize that the main reason he’s not my one and only is because he wouldn’t ever solidify my trust. He would never take the full plunge for me, and that historically has made me shaky. I will love you completely and wholly… if I can feel like I can trust you with my soul. And back when all this happened, there was none of that. Now it’s too late, my damage to him is done. He won’t partner me. He doesn’t want to go places with me in my well known avatar. I’m sort of surprised he’s with me at all, with how low he thinks of me. I know he thinks I’m adorable sometimes, I have my moments. But for the rest of the time? Not sure. He’s admitted that he cares about me. More than that, as much as I’d want to hear it, as much as I want so badly to hear him tell me he loves me… he never will.
The Tin Man… well that one’s complicated. The Harbor Lady is overnicing me and there’s nothing I can do about it. She answers my tweets, my plurks, she’s always around, and she always seems to do her best to emphasise her connection with the Tin Man. I’m about ready to leave because of it. If I just decided quietly to never play with him again, i doubt he’d notice. He’s got no time for me, he’s got his own life to live, he is really better off without me, especially if he’s already got someone to play love with. And he’s got a few, so I’m fairly redundant.
The Clever Fox is doing well. I find so long as I just do my own thing and check in occasionally it’s not bothering me so badly when he ignorse me. Having a good book or work or something (anything) to do while he follows his obsession is a good thing. I know he loves me, he’s just sometimes bad at directing it. He’s very… aloof. I’ve learned that his aloofness doesn’t equal non-love, but it is still somewhat difficult sometimes. I can’t say I help, I know I’m very exhuberant in my displays of affection, which I think might help balance us out just a little bit. There are times when I think it might be best to free him from the weight that is me.
I know I’m a burden to those I love, but that doesn’t stop me from loving them as much as I possibly can. I wish that loving me were more of a pleasure, less of a chore. I try to be a pleasure to my loved ones, but I do fear that really I’m more of a drag on them than anything else. I wish I could give them the happiness that they give me.
Food for Thought
I had an interesting chat with the tin man tonight… I think I’m going to be able to do without any jealousy… or less, at any rate. I do understand him… and amazingly, I do trust that he’s not going to leave or walk away. Above all, he’s my friend, and one of my best friends. And he’s not going anywhere. I think I’ll try harder with my friendships with those tied to him as well.
As the Pale Moon Clouds my eyes…
Last night was both exhausting and exhilerating.
At least if you’re a fool like i am. I spent the evening socializing with the Pale Moon and the Mad Scientessa. I was getting land in their community, so I spent a good portion of the night talking to them. And doing my best to pretend not to be completely struck by him. Which was very, VERY difficult. I have a feeling he knows how I feel, and is just amused by this silly kitten who has no place with him. And what’s worse, if he’s heard bad things from… well from anyone, really. Which is entirely possible, I’ve acquired quite the hideous reputation, unfortunately. I have to admit, that was the main flaw of the dreamer, he and his friend started the downfall of my reputation and it’s only gotten worse.
I’m really really really depressed by my money situation at the moment. i have no clue how to fix it. None at all. I just keep falling deeper and deeper.
I really do think about killing myself nowadays. I’m fairly miserable. I just want out. If it weren’t for two redeeming things.. I’d be gone by now.
Does this count as suffering in silence?
I’m hopelessly depressed over something happening in a virtual place. The Flower Pusher, who has always hated me, now really hates me. First I wasn’t good enough for the Clever Fox, or she wanted him. Now it’s because I screwed up and showed her my secrets. Now she hates me because of that.
I admit, I’ve been a bit resentful of her… I see in her in the virtual world what I see in others in the real world. In the real world, in my office, in a place where people get parties and cards and money collections for going in for surgery or birthdays or change of shift… I went out, for many months, twice, with my children, and I didn’t get one get well card. I went fucking blind, I seizured, and nobody cared. That’s what the Flower Pusher is to me in the virtual world. I’m living my life, dealing with difficulties and whatever I’ve had to deal with… and I feel as though her and people like her are always put first. Or at least that I just don’t matter. How is it in two worlds I’m so fucking insignifigant? I used to write it off to my looks. But no, it can’t be that, because in the virtual world everyone’s beautiful. It just has to come down to it being me. People don’t give a shit. I got diagnosed with lupus, I get quieted on the channel because I don’t have it completely debilitating. But hell. I’m 33 years old, and I’m diagnosed with something– I get told that I have this disease that is known for great amounts of pain, loss of freedom, and organ failure, and it’s nothing. And yet, if I want to talk about it or try to wrap my head around it it’s immediately dismissed. I don’t have it bad enough yet, I guess, to warrant anyone actually caring. Hell… that seemed to even alienate the Flower Pusher further when I said that I had it, she was the one downplay me (and show up her) the most.
I feel really lonely. I don’t feel as though anyone understands me, and I’m tired of that. Is it just that I’m so greedy that I’m unsatisfied? What is wrong with me that I’m not happy with anything? Why am I unable to keep up a connection, or feel satisfied and understood and happy? There are people who understand me…. but they don’t want me. There are people who love me, and who I feel a connection to, but they don’t understand me. They don’t “get it,” as it were. Clever Fox loves me. I know this… I love him. He doesn’t get me. At all. I’m always under pressure to be nicer or trying to explain my submission, or just… trying to explain me. COB understands me. And he loves me. But he loves everyone. And he’s not in love with me. At least he’s open about it. One of his others likes flaunting it, it really bothers me. She’s most of the reason I try to keep my distance. I haven’t told him this, it wouldn’t change anything except to increase tension, so I see no need. Then there’s the twist in the story. The Pale Moon. Doesn’t know I exist. For some reason I feel this pull to him. He makes me want to submit, truly, in whatever way he’d ask me. I have no clue why I feel that way towards him, it’s really not a good idea. Not with who he hangs out with and his position in our communities. Yet I find myself looking for any way to talk to him. I couldn’t just outright go and speak to him, altough I wish I were that brave. I might have to just settle for being a kitten sitting outside his door.
Gah. Enough of my whining.
Confused…
Not sure where to go. I don’t know how to fix my mistake, but it’s affecting more than just me. It’s affecting my work with charity, and it’s affecting the Clever Fox. His best friend hates me. She hated me before my mistake, but now she really does. And she’s postponed/cancelled the event that she promised to do for the charity, and for the Clever Fox and mine’s celebration today she didn’t show up. She made an excuse, but she was on the entire time, and she had a show that started immediately afterwards. She could’ve just shown up for a few minutes, but no. Singlehandedly she’s making me want to leave the community completely. Which I guess might be for the best, it’s not like they need me there. But damn.
Thoughtful Monday Morning
I have to admit, over the weekend I’ve come up with a lot to ponder. Because of my sieve-like memory though, I’ll probably only hit one or two items here.
Item One:
Yesterday I was in an Alternate Form… my amazon beauty, as I used to call her. Zero im’d me, and was quite cold. it confused me, him getting angry at seeing her, because he’s long since given me up. He gave me up before we broke up, really. So to get the cold treatment yesterday… it kind of hurt. But at the same time, knowing that I had gotten to him? That felt sort of good- like I wasn’t the only one who had suffered at all. I don’t delude myself that he suffered much, and I know it’s mostly his ego, but still.
I hate that my heart still has strings that belong to him. I hate admitting that. But it’s true… I still love him, and deeply. However, at least I keep the presence of mind to remember how unhealthy and all around bad for me he is. I know that down that path lies unhappiness and heartbreak- because he only really cares for himself. He hides it in pretty words and pretendings, but I can see the truth now. I compare him, in my head, to the movie the Phantom of the Opera… how, when Christine and the Phantom are travelling to his lair the first time, and it’s beautiful and lit up and magical… but then you see how awful it is later on, just a dirty wet cold sewer tunnel, nothing magical or beautiful at all. That’s Zero. Once you see his lies, his manipulations, you can see past the pretty words, the lip service he gives to the love games he plays. I almost feel sorry for him, that someone should be that sad and pathetic as to take advantage of so many women like that.
Item Two:
The Clockwork Ball on Saturday went very well! Coin Operated Boy’s action figures went over really well!! I really need to move the vendors from the library and put them into the boardwalk area. I’m very happy with how it went. Without pushing people, with just having fun, we made about 11k. Our team is in fifth place, which isn’t bad at all.
Item Three:
I was showing the Clever Fox the amazon beauty yesterday… well, specifically, her pony gear. I’m not sure how he feels about it, he gets a little dodgy on answering questions, but I know he’s comfortable with having her about, and more importantly, with having her as his own. I think because he knows me, and knows how I am… and he has faith in my love.
It’s kind of amazing, really… he doesn’t mind me being with others, or caring for others, so long as I love him and make time for him. Which is easy enough to do, when he’s around I’m with him. But he knows about the Dreamer, and he’s fine with it, and he’s known about anyone else I’ve been with as well… and so long as I’m happy, he’s content. He’s that secure and has that much faith in me. I feel guilty because I don’t know that I’m that secure, or that I have that much faith in him. I tend to worry and feel like he’s going to get smart and leave me just when I get comfortable. He laughs at that idea… but I’ve seen it happen far too many times.
Item Four:
The Clever Fox is going in to have surgery this week. I desperately want to be with him to take care of him. I hate being so far. I’m working hard not to panic or get all stifling, but I do worry for him, and I want so much to be there, to prove to him that I can take care of him, that he’s better with me than without me.
Item Five:
An odd one to put after all that, i’m sure, but I’m writing as they come. The Dreamer. I want to somehow take us to the next level, but he’s kind of put a stopper on us… we can’t go anywhere, we’re just frozen. With my nature that’s kind of stifling and worrisome. I’ve told him, to no avail, that I want more, but he says no. He doesn’t want that with me. I think he’s afraid I’ll be too clingy or something. He’s got me anyway… but.. oh I don’t know. It’s hard knowing I want and love someone so much more than they feel.
